In case you missed it, Tom Brady released his highly anticipated book a couple weeks ago entitled, “The TB12 Method: How To Achieve A Lifetime of Sustained Peak Performance.” It’s a 295-page self-help book (or roughly 100 pages if you don’t consider pictures actual pages) written by Brady a ghost writer detailing Brady’s holistic exercise and nutrition program, which he credits to prolonging his peak athletic performance. And let me tell you, it’s basically a 99% BULLSHIT.

So before I move along and attempt to convince you to save your money by not purchasing Brady’s new book (which is already receiving rave reviews from idiots like Hanley Ramirez of the Boston Red Sox), I want to make something very clear. Namely, and this pains me to say this being a yinzer who’s witnessed Tom Brady shit all over the Steelers for the past 15 years, I’d like to acknowledge the fact that Brady is the greatest quarterback of all-time. That’s right. I said it. He’s the GOAT. It fucking sucks to admit that, but I gotta call a spade a spade. And sadly, there’s no denying it. Five Super Bowls in seven appearances isn’t exactly a fluke. Nor is the fact that Brady ranks among the top-5 in nearly every career statistical category there is for quarterbacks (i.e. passing yards, passing touchdowns, passer rating, etc.). The man is simply the best at his profession; therefore, trying to argue otherwise would be foolish.

image

Just because Brady’s a great quarterback and all doesn’t mean the “TB12 Method” isn’t full of shit. Because, believe it or not, most of it is (besides for Brady’s claims about shit everyone knows like consuming sugary foods and processed carbohydrates is bad for you). I bet you didn’t know that you can prevent injuries simply by working on muscular pliability, did you? Second question. Do you even know what muscular pliability means? If your answer’s no, well, that’s just because you’re an idiot. Just kidding. Apparently experts in exercise science don’t even know what the fuck it means, either (via The New York Times):

The problem with this notion is that exercise science has never heard of muscle pliability.

“It’s balderdash,” says Stuart Phillips, a professor at McMaster University in Hamilton, Ontario, and an expert in muscle physiology.

In scientific terms, he says, muscles that are soft tend to be muscles that are sick. “When folks do little or nothing, as, for instance, during bed rest, then their muscles get very soft,” he says.

Mr. Brady and Mr. Guerrero have not conducted or published clinical trials of muscle pliability. Neither has anyone else. On the huge PubMed online database of published science, I found only one experiment that contains the words pliability and muscles, and it concerned the efficacy of different embalming techniques.

Credit to Brady, though. The dude hasn’t missed a game due to injury since 2008. Perhaps him and his trainer (you know, the same guy who’s been investigated by the Federal Trade Commission for scamming people on products he’s developed, including a drink that prevents concussions) know something the rest of the medical community doesn’t. Definitely doesn’t have anything to do with the fact that he never takes a hit or anything. Besides, we all know Brady doesn’t get concussions.

And as far as nutrition is concerned, I bet you didn’t know that you’re killing yourself by eating horrible things like tomatoes, strawberries, and eggplants. Only idiots who want to stay off the playing field eat that kind of garbage (via Daily Mail):

Allen Campbell, Brady’s personal chef told Boston.com what the University of Michigan product refuses to eat in January of 2016.

‘[Tom] doesn’t eat nightshades, because they’re not anti-inflammatory,’ Campbell said. ‘So no tomatoes, peppers, mushrooms, or eggplants. Tomatoes trickle in every now and then, but just maybe once a month. I’m very cautious about tomatoes. They cause inflammation.’

Brady made sure to reiterate this again in “The TB12 Method” for good measure.

Finally, have you ever wondered why you’ve gotten sunburned? I bet you probably think it’s because you forgot to put on sun screen, right? WRONG! It’s because you’re an idiot that forgot to drink 2.5 gallons of water. Tom Brady doesn’t get sunburned, and that’s because he drinks tons of water (with electrolytes, of course). Maybe you should, too.

Verdict Time

So is Tom Brady a hack?

1wlk8u.jpg