Quick story – so here I am pulling into my driveway this evening after another 11-hour work day (on a side note, I like to point out how long my days are to people I don’t know very well to make it sound like I have a very grueling job when in reality it’s not that hard). As I’m just about to make my way into the garage, I notice a package out of the corner of my eye sitting on my doorstep. Now, if you’re an Amazon Prime addict like me, 9 out of 10 times you don’t know what the fuck’s hiding in any given package that arrives at your house. You just buy shit late at night when you’re delirious and somehow forget whatever you ordered will be showing up at your doorstep in two days. It literally happens to me like once a week. Like, “Oh hey, didn’t realize that laminator I decided buy two nights ago because I can’t stop destroying my flimsy health insurance cards like a toddler was going to arrive today. What a surprise!” (And yes, I actually bought a fucking laminator once.)

Today wasn’t one of those days, though. I knew exactly what was inside of that rectangular FedEx package the moment I laid eyes upon it, and I was excited as fuck. And guess what? This time I didn’t even purchase the item on Amazon (which is probably the reason I knew what it was in the first place)!

So by now you’re probably thinking to yourself, “Get on with it, asshole. Tell us what the package was.” Well, I’ll tell you what it was –  it was a pair of brand spanking new Reebok Classics!

Screen Shot 2017-08-29 at 10.57.46 PM.png

And here’s the best part about them – they were only $56.00! A steal and a half to prance around like a motherfucking baller without breaking the bank (or at least until you scuff the shit out of them in less than 24 hours because they’re all white).

So you’re probably wondering to yourself how you, too, can take advantage of a deal like that. Well, unfortunately, by the time you’re actually reading this blog it’s probably too late (sorry). The fine folks at Barstool Sports promoted a limited time offer to purchase these bad boys with a 25% discount, and they sold like motherfucking hot cakes in a retirement community. They’re all gone.

But I’ve got some good news for you. By not purchasing these shoes with Barstool’s 25% discount, you may have prevented yourself from getting ridiculed by random people on the internet!

So why’s that, you ask.

You see, I was so excited that my shoes finally arrived in the mail that I did what any other narcissistic, attention-seeking asshole would’ve done. I took a picture of my new kicks and tagged KFC from Barstool on twitter.

Why’d I tag KFC, you ask? Well, he was the one promoting the shit out the deal. It was my way of expressing gratitude for offering such a great, affordable deal. That’s right, I totally wasn’t hoping he’d maybe retweet it so I could get some attention out of it and increase my follower count a little bit. Definitely not something I’d do (LOL).


The only problem – I just got finished changing into my gym clothes, and I was wearing a pair of those 3/4 length compression pants you see 99% of NBA players wear. Sure, I could’ve easily changed into something else (or taken a better picture and zoomed in closer to my shoes like anyone with half a brain would’ve done), but I said fuck it. I was taking the picture anyways. Might as well acknowledge how ridiculous I looked by making a joke about it, right?

Well, sure as shit, three minutes later and retweet city!

Boom. Roasted. I served up a meatball to KFC like he was fucking Barry Bonds in his prime.

So what happens when someone with 230k twitter followers puts you in a coffin? Well, you get roasted even more.

R.I.P. in peace to myself.

But hey, at least nobody went after my god-awful calves! I’ve got that going for me.