So in case you missed it, Major League Baseball and the MLB Players Association are presenting the first annual “Players Weekend,” Friday, August 25th through Sunday, August 27th. Basically what this means is every team across the league will be wearing bright new (mainly shitty) uniforms with nicknames on the back of their jerseys instead of their last names. It’s essentially a gimmick for Major League Baseball to share a bond with the Little League World Series by making their players wear jerseys similar to that of Little Leaguers (and also make more money on merchandise). Sounds pretty cool, right? Well, I have to say, some players did a very good job at coming up with clever nicknames while others came up with some of the shittiest, most unoriginal nicknames I’ve ever heard of in my life.
Before we begin with the rankings, let’s take a look at the Buccos new gear.
I’ll start with the good. I don’t mind the hats all too much. It’s fun to change up the logo every once in a while. Besides, the Pittsburgh “P” can get a little stale at times. But the jerseys. Bad. Very bad. These look like the type of knockoff jerseys you can buy at your local Marshall’s for like $25 a pop. Also, I feel like if you throw these things in the washing machine one time all the letters will start wearing off. If I’m being totally honest, these STINK out loud.
Now for the nicknames. The good:
1. Ivan Nova 46 – “Super Nova”
You might not agree with me on this, but I LOVE “Super Nova.” Look, I’m the type of guy that finds it super annoying when people use a play on words of their name for twitter handles. It’s played out and unoriginal. But if your last name is Nova, I think it’s a NECESSITY that you go by Super Nova. Also, I’d bet my life savings that nobody calls Ivan Nova “Super Nova” in real life. For that reason, and the fact that it’s a nerdy science word that’s defined as an exploding star, this has to be my number one.
2. Felipe Rivero 73 – “Nightmare”
Well, if this ain’t accurate af, I don’t know what is. A “nightmare” is entering the batters box against a guy that owns a 1.25 ERA with 68 strikeouts in 57.2 innings of work and has the ability to throw 100 mph then come right back at you with a slider that makes you look like an absolute FOOL.
“Nightmare” is a VERY appropriate nickname for the best closer in baseball.
3. David Freese 23 – “DaveHuman”
Love “DaveHuman.” Sometimes David isn’t human. Like that time he batted .397, smacked 5 home runs, and knocked in 21 RBIs in 18 games during the 2011 postseason while playing for the Cardinals. Not to mention the fact that he was clutch af and earned himself World Series MVP. As for his career numbers in the regular season (.274 BA with an average of 10 home runs and 49 RBIs), well, David is human 99.9% of the time after all.
4. Jose Osuna 36 – “El Gocho”
Translated from Spanish, “El Gocho” means “pig” in English. At 6’3″, 240 lbs, Jose Osuna ain’t exactly small. I mean, he’s not a fat fuck either, but I can probably imagine he was a chubby kid at one point in his life. I have a strong feeling that this is a nickname he’s carried along with him for a while.
5. Chad Kuhl 39 – “Chet”
I’ll be honest, I have no idea why I think the name “Chet” is funny, but it is. It’s probably because the only Chet I know is a chubby middle aged white guy who I find hilarious. Regardless, if you’re named Chet, odds are you’re an interesting human being.
6. Wade LeBlanc 38 – “Frenchy”
French people who play baseball are like Italians who play basketball. They’re few and far between. Anyone who embraces their heritage, especially if it makes that person a black sheep, is pretty damn cool and self aware in my book.
7. Gregory Polanco 25 – “El Coffee”
If it wasn’t for the fact that everyone and their mother already knows Polanco’s nickname, I would’ve ranked this one a lot higher. According to Polanco, “El Coffee” is a nickname that was derived from a coach he had growing up that called him it because of his skin color.
8. Gerrit Cole 45 – “Cole Train”
(See: Polanco, Gregory. Except for that part where it’s his nickname because of his skin color thing.)
9. Jameson Taillon 50 – “J-Mo”
Okay, so “J-Mo’s” not the most original nickname in the world, but when your nickname coincides with an alcoholic beverage (Jameson Irish whiskey), I’m cool with it.
Now, for the bad:
10. John Jaso 28 – “Easy J”
I’ll be honest, “Easy J” isn’t that terrible. I get it, he’s making a play on Eazy-E. Ha. Ha. But considering the fact it’s John Jaso (who also happens to be a vegan and stinks at baseball), I don’t like it.
11. Juan Nicasio 12 – “Arenoso”
Translated from Spanish, “Arenoso” means “sandy or gritty” in English. I sort of feel like gritty isn’t funny unless you’re talking about a white running back in the NFL.
12. Josh Harrison 5 – “J Hay”
If Harrison would’ve made this the same thing as his twitter handle (@jhay_da_man), this easily would’ve been my number one. However, he elected to go basic bitch on us. Not a fan of this.
13. Andrew McCutchen 22 – “Cutch”
Another basic bitch, imo. We all know your nickname is “Cutch.” I’ll forgive him, though, if he made an attempt to use “FuckYouBobNuttingPayMeYouCheapFuck.” My guess is either that’s too vulgar or simply that’s just too many letters to fit on the back of a jersey.
14. Jordy Mercer 10 – “The Rook”
I don’t like it. It doesn’t sound original to me, and also, Jordy ain’t no rookie. He’s looks like he’s 34.
15. Starling Marte 6 – “Tato”
Translated from Spanish, “Tato” means “I’m a fucking idiot because I inject the same type of steroids people used to take back in the 80s so I got suspended for 80 games.” Actually, it just means “brother” in English, but this guy’s still on my shit list.
16. Francisco Cervelli 29 – “Cisco”
C’mon, Francisco. You’re way better than this. I wanted so bad for the Italian (he’s actually Italian, you know), to be number one. Anything is better than “Cisco.” This is just lazy. I can think of like three nicknames that are way better than this coming from the top of my head in three seconds: Sisqo (you know, the “Thong Song” rapper), That’s Amore, and Francisco (that’s fun to say).
17. Daniel Hudson 41 – “Huddy”
God, this guy had to have been a hockey player growing up because this is hockey player nickname 101. Take your last name, shorten it, and end it with a “y” or “sy.” Real original, Daniel.
18. Trevor Williams 57 – “EV”
I literally have no idea what the fuck “EV” means. If I find out it’s something cool, then I apologize for the poor ranking. But until then, I’m going to take this as an insult for not knowing what this means.
19. – 21. Chris Stewart 19 – “Stew,” Adam Frazier 26 – “Fraz,” Josh Bell 55 – “JB”
These are all equally horrible and unoriginal. Have some fun for chrissakes, you guys.
One final thought: If Jung Ho Kang somehow made it back to the United States this year and nicknamed himself “Dewey,” I’d maybe forgive him.
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