After careful thought and consideration, I regret to inform you that the 2017 Pittsburgh Pirates are officially dead. Gone. Deceased. Finished. The season’s fucking over, folks.

You see, just a little less than two weeks ago, things were different. The calendar still read July, the Pirates were sweeping the 1st-place Brewers, and “Pirates Peep” finally made his 2017 debut (aka the time of the year I jump on the bandwagon because the Pirates are playing well). Things were very much on the up-and-up.

…Then things changed. The month now reads August (aka maybe the worst sports month of the year), the Pirates are getting the shit kicked out of them on the reg by everyone including dogshit teams like the Padres and Reds, and Pirates Peep is dead. Not to mention the fact that I decided to break up a month long relationship with a girl (hard to believe, I know) that went from her formally “friending” me on Facebook after nearly a month of dating to her “unfriending” me two days later. Sad times, indeed.

You see, the problem with the 2017 Pittsburgh Pirates (much like my relationship with that girl) is they never had a chance in the first place. Sure, everyone and their mother predicted the Cubs to win the NL Central again, leaving it up for teams like the Pirates with no other choice but to contend for one of two wild card spots. However, the NL Central has STUNK this year. And quite frankly, so have the Cubs. That is, until recently when they acquired starting pitcher Jose Quintana (who the Pirates were too cheap to trade for in the offseason) and decided to play like the 2016 Cubs by rattling off 14 wins in 17 games after the All-Star break.

So what have the Pirates done in that same time span, you ask? Well, for starters, they started off the first eight games after the break hot af, going 7-1 (which includes the aforementioned 4-game sweep of the 1st-place Brewers). They even beat the piss out of the Rockies two Fridays ago, 13-5, to open up a 3-game series in Denver. But since that stretch, they’ve fallen harder on their face than the Mooch at his stint as White House Communications Director. They’ve gone 2-6 in their past eight games, which includes three losses to the Padres and Reds who have a combined record of 98-121 this season. Not exactly an ideal stretch of play considering the fact that their only prayer of making the playoffs this year (LOL) is by winning the division outright. But that’s not going to happen, and I think we can all collectively agree we figured that out this past Monday afternoon when management did absolutely NOTHING to improve the team either this season or next year.

R.I.P. in peace, 2017 Pittsburgh Pirates. It was fun while it lasted one whole week.

P.S. – I’d be remiss if I didn’t point out the fact that Andrew McCutchen was kind enough to hit a few home runs for me the other day.

Before those tweets, Cutch had already one dong under his belt on Sunday. Can you guess what happened next after I tweeted out that solid advice? He slapped two more dongs and the Pirates flew home the victors. I must be a goddamn genius or something.