Okay, let’s get one thing straight. If you’re a human being that enjoys the taste of a cheese sandwich past the age of 7, your palate is a complete joke. I’m sorry, but that’s just a fact.

Seriously though, I’m over this whole pimento cheese sandwich phenomenon everybody raves about each year at the Masters. “And it’s only a $1.50! Can you believe it?” You know what? Yes. Yes, I can believe it. The pimento cheese sandwich only costs a $1.50 because it’s a shitty sandwich that’s made up of cheap ingredients that cost way less than a $1.50 to prepare – processed shredded cheese, mayo, dijon mustard (maybe not exactly a peasant ingredient in my opinion), canned pimentos, and two slices of fucking wonder bread. Look, I’ve never been to prison before, but I can’t imagine the prisoners get too excited for lunch on pimento cheese sandwich Tuesday. I mean, look at this disgusting pile of shit.


Alright, so considering I’ve never actually eaten a pimento cheese sandwich before, maybe I’m not the best person to judge its quality. But that’s just my MO (and I also happen to have a palate that’s evolved since I was 7-years old). I go against the grain on phenomenons like this whenever I smell the slightest scent of bullshit. In my opinion, this is a classic example of herd mentality. Look, we all know that the Masters is awesome. Golf’s back, the scenery is absolutely beautiful (oh, don’t those azaleas just make you want to cum), and nice weather has finally made it’s long-awaited return. But people get so caught up in the euphoria of it all to the point where they find it acceptable to stuff cheese sandwiches down their throats like they’re some kind of goddamn aphrodisiac. It’s like it’s almost impossible for these people’s brains to recognize that just because 99% of the things they experience at August National are awesome, the food must be as well. Well, it’s not. And you people need to get your heads out of your asses.