With only seven games remaining in the regular season, it’s beginning to look more and more like the 2016-2017 Pittsburgh Penguins are not going to win the Metropolitan Division. Again.

Screen Shot 2017-03-29 at 7.20.14 PMSure, it would be just swell if the Penguins decided to make their lives a little easier for once by actually winning the Metro. You know, that way they’d have a first round layup against some dog shit team like the Maple Leafs while, and at the minimum, they’d secure home ice advantage through at least the second round of the playoffs. But no. That type of feat for the Penguins seems near impossible when you have a team that will never win a Stanley Cup in the Washington Capitals who perpetually dominate the regular season. And the sad part is, it doesn’t look like that trend will change until Ovechkin’s body shits out and starts seeping vodka everywhere.

Normally, this type of thing where the Penguins are neck and neck with the Caps (or the Rangers once every five years) each regular season until they inevitably fall behind in the standings at season’s end drives me up a wall. But you know what? I’m totally okay with it this year. Believe me, I’m (somewhat) fine with playing a (really) tough opponent in the Columbus Blue Jackets in the first round of the playoffs this year. I’m (somewhat) fine with losing home ice advantage. I’m (somewhat) fine with Mike Sullivan coaching against his former mentor John Tortorella. Just under one minor condition – that this god damn team starts forfeiting the rest of their regular season games. Seriously, take a look at this injury report and explain to me why this team is still in contention for the division. It makes no fucking sense.

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One more key injury and the Pens chances of repeating are probably just as good as Phil Kessel going on a diet. Alright, so forfeiting games may not be technically legal, so perhaps start sitting players? I know there’s going to be some yinzer out there that is going to bash me because he bought tickets for tonight’s game against the Blackhawks. But you know what? The Pens need to start sitting Sidney Crosby. Sid’s health is way more important than this stupid game this fake rivalry game tonight. You know what they also need to do? Stop blocking shots. Seriously, it’s time the Penguins start throwing games like the District 5 peewee hockey team. The playoffs are only two weeks away, and my butthole is now officially getting tight.