So I’ve been having an internal debate in my head lately. The calendar says March 2017, yet I somehow, some way, find myself still playing Pokemon Go. Am I the biggest loser of all-time for still playing this game (let alone the fact that I actually started to play this game in the first place)?

I believe the short answer to this mindfuck of a question I’ve been debating back and forth in my brain for the past few months is, in fact, yes. Yes, I’m a complete fucking loser that has been playing Pokemon Go for the past EIGHT MONTHS. Believe me, I’m pretty embarrassed about it as well. But you know what? Fuck it! It’s confession time, ladies and gents. Might as well let you all know how big of a loser I really am.

Look, I’ll raise my hand right now and admit I’m the same guy that called out my friends that started playing Pokemon Go when the game originally came out back in July. And you know what? I did exactly what any other normal 26-year old would do in my situation that finds out one of his friends plays a game made for prepubescent kids. I endlessly made fun of these people that were playing Pokemon Go until I eventually cracked and downloaded the app without telling anyone. Veteran move by me, by the way.

It’s also probably a good thing that I’ve never tried crack cocaine in my life. Because if catching Pokemon is anything like smoking crack, I’m fucked. I can’t get enough of it. I’ve probably told myself at least a dozen times I was going to quit once I got to the point where I caught almost all of the Pokemon in generation 1 (i.e. the first 151 Pokemon the game). In fact, I’m pretty sure I set a personal record of not opening up the app for like six days. Then, all of a sudden, the app developers decided to introduce generation 2 Pokemon (of which I had no familiarity with as a kid), and my life has been completely fucked. I’m back at it again. Everywhere I go I’m firing up the app looking to get a fix. I’m pretty sure my neck is going to be fucked from perpetually looking down to stare at my phone while at the same time trying to prevent anyone from seeing what’s on my phone screen. It’s truly a sickening disease.

And if there’s one thing I can be proud about with this whole Pokemon addiction I have, it’s the fact that I’ve become an expert at minimizing how much I’ve walked when playing the game. Any time I’m on transportation that’s going less than 20 mph, your ass better believe I got the Go app open and ready to fire some god damn Poke Balls.

If you’re an addiction expert out and you read this blog, hit me up. I’d really like to be (somewhat) cool again one day. Because right now I’m a fucking loser.