Since I’m flying down to Florida today in the worst airline known to man (aka Spirit Airlines), I figured I’d write a blog about some of the real problems we currently face in this world (i.e. problems only in America and other first world nations without inconveniences like finding clean water and stuff like that because I have no idea what it’s like to live in a 3rd world country). For the next few hours, I will have no internet connection or wifi so everything in this blog will be coming directly from my brain. If that doesn’t sound horrible to you, then I don’t what is. Sometimes blog life is tough. I can handle a little adversity, though. After all, internet connection is only a couple hours away. Think positive, Peep!

Here we go:

5. Forgetting to bring headphones with you on an airplane.

Alright, so this is my current situation right now while I ride on this airplane. And let me tell you, it fucking blows. This could be much worse right now considering I randomly got a middle seat on this flight, but thankfully there was an older couple that had seats in my row. These people were kind enough to let me snag the window seat so they could sit beside each other. Some pretty solid luck there if you ask me. However, old lady next to me won’t shut the fuck up now, and I can’t put headphones in my ears to give her the “I don’t want to talk right now” vibe without being a complete dick. Please feel bad for me.

4. When you’re about to get in the car to drive like two miles and you have to fill up your gas tank.

This one drives me bananas. Here’s the scenario: you need to get somewhere that’s only five minutes away like the grocery store or something. The only thing running through your mind is probably the items you need to pick up at the store when you get there. Maybe you’re already annoyed because you have a thousand other things to do that day, and quite frankly, grocery shopping can take some time. You hop in the car and BAM! You hear that little ding and the empty gas icon light turns on. Such a goddamn inconvenience! It’s 2017, isn’t it about time we don’t have to fill up our cars with gas anyways? Christ almighty!

3. Spotty wifi connections.

This is probably going to be a common theme in this blog today, but it’s 2017 for Chrissakes! If you tell me there is wifi and my phone can’t update my Twitter timeline in .5 seconds when I hit refresh, we’ve got a real problem. There aren’t many things worse than waiting forever for something to load on the internet. I don’t have any time for that bullshit. I already have the attention span of a squirrel, so making me wait a minute for a porn video to load is like giving me severe first world blue balls. Trust me, nobody wants severe first world blue balls.

2. Plunging a toilet.

Ahhh, relief. You just dropped a deuce in the toilet. Instantly, you feel a million times better. So you start wiping your ass a few times, and you throw those dirty pieces of shit paper in the toilet to clean yourself up. You go to hit the flusher, and for some ungodly reason, time has past and you’re still staring at your shit decorated with a mound of TP. If you’re at a public place, you might get by on this one. However, if you’re at your own house or anywhere else where you’ll experience embarrassment for not getting your shit to go down the toilet, you’re fucked. It’s time to find the plunger. Easily one of the nastiest experiences in life. I’ve personally gagged multiple times trying to plunge my smelly shit down the toilet. And afterwards, if you’re like me, you’ll probably wash your hands like seven times and think about taking a shower because you feel like you just got violated by an infectious disease that came out of your own asshole.

1. When the AC breaks on a hot summer day.

I don’t ask for a whole lot in life (ok, maybe I do). I prefer to get a good night’s sleep, eat delicious food, bust a nut every once in a while, spend time with good company, laugh at stupid shit, watch and play sports, and live in a climate controlled environment. That last one is especially huge for me. I sweat like a pig anytime the temperature gets above 80 degrees. Therefore, air conditioning is your best friend if you’re a perpetual disgusting mess with a sweating problem like me. In fact, I’m pretty sure the invention of cooling seats in cars is one of the top 5 best inventions in the last decade. When I’m not anticipating to be sweating while indoors or using some sort of transportation, I get really fucking pissed when the AC breaks down on a warm day. Just when I think I can relax and not worry about sweating through my clothes, the AC turns off and all of a sudden I’m fucked. I immediately become a miserable piece of shit. You could literally tell me I just hit the power ball, and I’ll still be sort of miserable if I’m stuck in a hot room with no relief in sight. No AC is the absolute WORST.

So there you have it. Those are my top 5 first world problems. My life is hard af. Let me know what your first world problems are below (meaning you actually read this far).