In case you’ve been wondering how former All-Pro running back Arian Foster has been spending his time since abruptly retiring from the NFL after his 3,000th injury in October, he’s been thinking about going camping lately. However, as anyone that has ever gone camping can attest (I haven’t because I’m like the human equivalent of a house cat), it’s not all unicorns and rainbows. And Arian seems to be aware of that. That still doesn’t mean Arian is going to let some sort of animal THAT IS SUPER POWERFUL AND THAT EATS THEIR PREY ALIVE IN PACKS stop him from having an enjoyable time in the sticks.

As Arian has pointed out, evolution does give him an advantage when it comes to 1 on 1 combat. He’s also keen to studying his opponents weaknesses on film just like any other good football player. However, I think I have to side with the rest of his haters on this one. This is what I think the most likely scenario would be if Arian ever comes face to face a wolf:

  1. Arian and wolf have a stare down.
  2. Wolf runs after Arian to attack him.
  3. Arian restrains the wolf with his opposable human thumbs.
  4. Other wolves pick up on the fight and begin racing over to attack their fellow wolf.
  5. Arian notices this. Releases his clamp from the wolf and tries to run away.
  6. While running away, Arian blows out a hammy and the rest of the wolves catch up to him and eat him alive.
  7. R.I.P. Arian.