As of 2017, there are dozens of scientific personality tests you can take to help you identify your personality traits/types, aptitude, behavior, intelligence, etc. Sure, you can take one of those professional exams if you’re interested in seeking this type of valuable information. I’m sure the results will probably aid you in making important life decisions on important things like careers and relationships. But if you don’t want to waste all kinds of time and money undergoing those fancy personality exams, I’ve came up with an alternative exam.

Disclaimer: I am in no way, shape, or form a medical professional. I am just a dipshit blogger with stupid opinions.

Here’s the test: Go to your local supermarket and purchase a pack of string cheese (I prefer Sargento). This will cost you approximately less than an Alexander Hamilton as well as your time of getting to and from the supermarket. Once you get home (this is important to be home because you don’t want to look like some sort of weirdo eating a string cheese in your car for others to see) open the package and remove one of those bad boys from the rest of the sealed string cheeses. Finally, go to town on that delicious, phallic-shaped piece of mozzarella. Who knows, after the first one you might even take down 3 or 4 more like me. They’re bomb.

Results: Through careful analysis and years of eating string cheese, I’ve come to conclusion that there are basically two ways to eat a string cheese. The results from such methods vary accordingly.

  1. You peel your string cheese piece by piece.
    • This means that you’re a normal, sane human being. You abide by societal norms and you possess unique values such as trustworthiness and self-awareness.
  2. You bite your string cheese.
    • This means you’re an absolute fucking psychopath. You do NOT abide by societal norms and you possess serial killer values such as deceitfulness and oblivion.

As you can see from the way you eat your string cheese, you’re either a normal, functioning human being or you’re a fucking maniac. This is a great test/ice breaker (actually it’s probably pretty shitty) when it comes to meeting people on places like Tinder. Lately, I’ve been asking women about what method they eat their string cheese. So far, I’ve gotten a mix of responses. Most seem to think it’s a funny question and answer accordingly. Others have answered that they don’t eat string cheese either because they have a lactose intolerance, are some sort of health freak, or are elitist motherfuckers that frown upon string cheese (fuck these people too, by the way). And I have to be honest, I think this has become a great way for me to weed out the psychos in life (and possibly on Tinder).