TMZ – Rob Lowe is in the market for a personal assistant, and the job qualifications are daunting.

Rob posted the job description on a website targeting personal assistants. Among the requirements:

— Never assume anything

— Ensure the CLIENT [Rob] is fed and has coffee throughout the day

— Schedule haircuts every episode for the CLIENT


— Make sure you let Estate staff know if the CLIENT wants a Jacuzzi turned on or a massage ordered for his arrival

— Willing to travel on location as requested and serve as the CLIENT’S body man

— Able to lift up to 25 pounds as required to support THE CLIENT

Unclear what weighs 25 pounds.  

Rob’s team says the description doesn’t match any pertaining to employment with him, but adds … “We can confirm coffee is his number one priority in life.”

Our sources insists the gig is with Rob. It pays $70k plus benefits. Takers?

Fuck. That.

Being Rob Lowe’s assistant sounds like some shit kings would make their serfs do in medieval times. Maybe it’s just me, but hell would freeze over before I’d ever subject myself to becoming somebody’s personal assistant, nonetheless Rob Lowe’s. I’m pretty sure I’d much rather make $20,000/year being a telemarketer where people would hate my guts and violently hang up on me the moment they answered their phones than being his little bitch boy for $70,000/year and benefits. Even worse, I think I’d rather become unemployed and move back home with my parents like George Costanza.

And is Rob Lowe serious with all those qualifications for his assistant? Like you really need somebody to haul around your carry on luggage at the airport for you while you prance around LAX in front of the paparazzi like some big swinging dick? And I’m assuming that’s what he’s referring to by being able to lift 25 pounds because what the hell else is 25 pounds that you need to lug around. Then, since you aren’t lifting any weights, you shouldn’t need a fucking massage after you get back home from the airport. Fuck you, Rob Lowe. Here’s what I’m going to assume – that you’re a Hollywood asshole than has too much money and nothing better to do than order a minion around to do things for you that you are already capable of doing yourself. I hope you burn your tongue next time you take a big gulp of your coffee so you can’t taste shit at the fancy dinner your assistant reserved for you after 8 PM.

In all reality though, I’d 1,000% get an assistant, too, if I was worth $30 million. And that person would probably want to say something like I just wrote (I’m a tough guy behind the computer screen, by the way) directly to my stupid face.