CrossFit. The word alone either makes your brain trigger a dopamine rush or it makes you want to murder people on your Facebook newsfeed. Some people love it. Many people HATE it.
I’ll be the first to admit that I love it. If you asked me for my opinion about CrossFit (which I highly doubt you ever will), I would tell you that I think it’s the most effective form of exercise out there. CrossFit has a unique way of always keeping you on your toes. The unpredictability, matched with the intensity it takes to complete a workout, makes CrossFit brutal. Yet, CrossFit encompasses the element of competition which keeps people like me coming back for more.
Alright, I’m going to stop blowing CrossFit for a second. This article isn’t about how great CrossFit is. This article is about how horrible CrossFit is in certain aspects. Believe me, as much as I’d like to say only positive things about CrossFit, I’d be lying my ass off. There are MANY things that suck about it.
Before I begin, I want give myself some credibility. I’m not just some schmuck that’s been doing CrossFit for six weeks and decided to write a blog post about how I’m an expert all of a sudden. Let me be clear, though. I’m not an expert on CrossFit, but I’m definitely not a dumbass either (okay, I’m still kind of a dumbass). I’ve been doing this shit routinely for the past four years. I’d like to think I know what’s going on.
Without further ado, these are the Top 10 worst things about CrossFit from yours truly.
10. Religious Preaching
If you look at just about any famous CrossFitter’s Instagram bio (i.e. Rich Froning, Dan Bailey, Andrea Ager, to name a few) there’s like a 97% chance you’ll see a Bible scripture verse or some type of Christian reference. Look, I’m a big believer in the First Amendment. Part of the First Amendment provides people with the freedom to practice whatever religion they want. Cool. I’m all for it. It’s fucking awesome that we live in a country that gives us this type of freedom. But when you start talking about God this, God that every single time you hop on a platform to speak, it’s going to get fucking annoying. Just like Aaron Rodgers said, God could probably care less about the result of a sporting event. Can we all just keep religion and politics out of sports once and for all?!
9. The Paleo Diet
This has to be one of the worst gimmicks in the CrossFit world. Let’s start with what the Paleo Diet is. It’s essentially the diet our ancestors ate in prehistoric times. That means anything that was available to them to either kill or pull out of the ground (i.e. meat, fish, nuts, seeds, vegetables, etc.). It’s a good diet for anyone trying to lose weight and/or trying to prevent or reverse other nasty health ailments. However, there’s no way in hell anyone can sustain this diet. First off, eating food this way is a pain in the dick as far as costs and sustainability goes. I’m not going to buy some bullshit bananas that are a dollar more because they have a special organic label on it. Okay, poor example but that’s literally the case with every food item you consume on the paleo diet. It all needs to be organic, which is super pricey. Not everything you eat needs to be organic. Also, good luck preserving that shit for more than a week. You’re ass will be back in the grocery store in no time. Second, you’re eventually going to cave and go balls deep into some potato chips or ice cream. That’s a fact when you’re not used to eating like a bird. Finally, unless you’re one of those superhuman freaks, you’re going to have zero energy in your workouts. You’re going to be falling apart mid workout because that preworkout kale salad hasn’t done shit for your glucose levels. While you tell me about how great you are because you’re paleo, I’ll be cruising in the workout past you because your boy smacked a PB&J sandwich beforehand. Macros > Paleo.
8. Bullshit Supplements
This one comes right after the Paleo Diet because, again, I think the Paleo Diet is beneficial to a degree. You know what’s not beneficial? Buying a month supply of special whey protein that’s 70 goddamn dollars. Are you kidding me?! I’m referring specifically to Progenex. If you ever buy whey protein for $70, you better be buying like a 10 lb. container of it that lasts you for six months, or it better make you look like fucking Zeus in 12 days. If not, you’re a gullible dumbass. If you’re a knowledgable consumer, you can easily do a quick Google search and find out that there’s a class action lawsuit against this company regarding their claims that their ingredients contain a special whey protein blend that’s more easily absorbed. What pisses me off the most about this company is that almost every famous professional CrossFitter has endorsed this bullshit company for years. So naturally, amateur CrossFitters everywhere believe this garbage is going to make them workout way faster while getting yoked. CrossFit gym owners everywhere sell this and more assholes keep buying it. All nonsense. It took until this year for The CrossFit Games to finally drop this shitbag company as a sponsor!
7. People That Cheat In Class
These are the same assholes that cheat in golf. Only worse. They’re cheating at CrossFit in a class setting where they’re working out with people of all different ages, backgrounds, and abilities. I’m pretty sure that 99.9% of people don’t give one fuck about your CrossFit numbers. So right off the bat, the only people you can brag to are your fellow CrossFitters. So if you’re that person who decides to brag about how good you are at CrossFit when you shaved five seconds off your workout score or lied about that sweet Clean & Jerk PR, you’re a gigantic asshole. You should be publicly tarred and feathered because the epitome of loser is the person that cheats in a CrossFit class.
6. CrossFit HQ Marketing
CrossFit HQ likes to shove it down the mass media’s throat that people do CrossFit because it translates to other things we do in life. Like training with deadlifts is going to help you pick up a heavy box from the floor. Or doing clean & jerks will allow you to pick up your kids and raise them over your head. This may be true to a degree, but this is basically 1,000% nonsense. I haven’t met one single person at any CrossFit gym I went to that decided to start doing CrossFit because they couldn’t pick up a fucking box from the floor. People start CrossFit for the following reasons: they want to get jacked, they’re fat and out of shape, their friends convinced them to try it, they saw the CrossFit Games on ESPN and thought it looked cool, they’re tired of doing the same workout routines over and over again, they want to test their egos, etc. Until I meet a person that says they’re doing CrossFit so they can pick up a box, I’ll continue laughing at how stupid CrossFit HQ’s commercials are.
5. The CrossFit Cult
It doesn’t matter if you’ve never done CrossFit before, you’ve heard about the “CrossFit Cult”. It’s almost as bad as Penn State (by the way, remember when Pitt beat them 42-39 this past year). This is what happens when people start doing CrossFit – they get the shit kicked out of them the first few classes, then they start loving it. They start buying the shit out of anything they can get their hands on from Rogue Fitness, they start raving about CrossFit on social media (more on this later!), and then they begin abandoning their friends for their new CrossFit friends. It’s a slippery slope. I’ll be the first to admit that I sipped this Kool-Aid when I first started doing CrossFit. Then, I realized that my non-CrossFit friends started to look at my like “what’s this fucking loser doing?”. Any CrossFitter that claims that CrossFit isn’t a cult is akin to Bill Clinton saying he didn’t blow his load all over Monica Lewinsky’s blue dress.
4. Dave Castro
This guy is like the Roger Goodell of the CrossFit world. Only I give Roger Goodell more credit. Castro doesn’t run the entire show at CrossFit HQ. However, he is the Director of the CrossFit Games. He’s got a lot of clout when it comes to anything competition related. Every single workout you see performed throughout the CrossFit Games (this includes the Open, Regionals, and the Games) is designed by Castro. Yes, that’s every single workout designed by one single guy. Like Goodell, he’s got way too much control. On top of that, he’s a smug asshole. Just watch this video and you’ll know what I’m talking about. Castro sucks. End of story.
3. The Lingo
Every sport has it’s own lingo that may or may not drive people insane. When I played baseball I could never figure out why in the hell people called the umpire “blue”. I mean, do they not recognize that the poor son of a bitch that squats behind the plate in full gear often wears black on an 85 degree summer day? They aren’t always wearing blue! Baseball lingo is strange. Like baseball, CrossFit is no different. Even though CrossFit toggles that fine line between being a sport and being just an exercise program, it has its own set of WTF did that person just say – lingo. For starters, CrossFitters don’t work out at a gym. They work out in a “box”. And that workout is called a WOD (short for “Workout of the Day”) goddamnit! WODs can be in the form of AMRAPs (as many rounds as possible), EMOMs (every minute on the minute), or for time or reps (okay, that’s not crazy lingo). And if you do that workout the exact way it was written on the whiteboard, you did that WOD Rx’d (prescribed), bro! You might’ve even PR’d (personal record) so check your WOD log!
2. Cost of a Membership
This one drives me insane. Partly because I can be cheap af, but also because I think I’m pretty good at identifying bullshit when I smell it. The average CrossFit membership fee is INSANE. While the average gym charges anywhere from $20-$70 per month, most CrossFit gyms charge well over $100 per month. So why do they charge so much? They’re charging you for using their equipment, programming workouts, and having a coach to instruct classes. Okay, I get that that’s much more to offer than buying a normal gym membership and doing shit yourself, but it’s not like it’s worth the cost. I get the equipment part. That stuff isn’t cheap. One barbell is like $200. But there are gyms that run shitty programs and have horrible coaches. In case you didn’t know, all it takes to get the most basic coaching certification (Level 1 Certification) is paying $1,000 to CrossFit HQ, spending a weekend at a seminar, and passing a 50 question multiple choice test. So naturally, you’re going to have shitty coaches that still don’t know what the hell they’re doing. Until people figure out that they’re being duped, the average CrossFit gym is going to continue charging out the ass for membership fees. Some gyms might be worth the cost, but MOST aren’t.
1. Social Media Posts
There are few types of posts on social media that drive me absolutely insane. Engagement announcements, political rants, and vacation pics (unless hot chicks are in the photos, of course) are all insufferable. But CrossFit posts take the motherfucking cake. Trust me when I say this – nobody gives a shit about how awesome your WOD was. Also, nobody wants to watch that video of you PR’ing your snatch, bro. Most people don’t even know what a snatch is. I’d bet most people think pussy when they hear the word “snatch”! As much as I like CrossFit, I purposely refrain from posting anything CrossFit related anymore (I used to sort of be this asshole in the past) because I know that people either don’t care or want to hate me more because of it. Please don’t ever be that person if you actually read this.